Who is this woman, yes, woman - adult -, who feels like this? Do any of you feel like this sometimes?
Well, I am a 46 years young, single, no kids, artist, very independent, strong, loyal, sensitive woman who has struggled with her weight every since I can remember. My name is Debbie.
I can remember being in kindergarten and that is the first I realized "something was wrong" with me. Kids in school, my Mother, my family….childhood filled with witnessing verbal and physical abuse exerted on my mother by my father. Them separating, living in a shelter for 6 weeks or so, then divorcing, moving in with family, feeling we were "in the way", always feeling like my alcoholic father was a jerk who didn't love his kids - lots of empty/broken promises, broken relationship with him (all this that shaped how I view/viewed men), trust issues, not being able to open up, angry….this story goes on and on but I bet you can fill in a lot of the holes. You get the picture right!!??
My confession: I use food to comfort me. To make me feel better. To hide me from the world.
As much as I have wanted to be loved for who I am, I would use food to sabotage it. It was my secret, yeah, right, like everyone could not see how overweight I was and am. Food was the only thing I could always count on. It never let me down and was always one step away in the panty, refrigerator, or down the road at the store. It was always around me letting me know -- you know this will make you feel better.
The truth….All food
ever did for me was make me gain weight and suppress, WAY WAY down, the feelings that were too hard for me to deal with. I still have or wonder if there are memories I have suppressed and are so hidden that I just can't simply deal with because they are simply too hard for me to.
So, lets fast forward many years. When I was 39 years old I decided I did not want to weigh in the "200's" when I turned 40. My goal was to be in what I called "Onederland" I wanted to be in the 100's by my 40th birthday, which was in March. It was November so I had about 4 months to work to get there. A lady I knew had recently joined LA Weight Loss and seen great results. I decided to join. I walked into the manager's office for a consult of sorts and when the door closed, I burst into tears. She asked why am I crying. I FEEL SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF!! Closing that door meant I HAD to deal with issues. I decided to start seeing a therapist while I was trying to work on this. This was the first time I had EVER made this type of investment in myself - money & time - to become healthy. YES, :) I did get to "Onerderand" by my 40th birthday. I was just a few pounds under 200 but that was okay with me - I had met my goal. I lost 37 lbs total.
That was almost 7 years ago now. And not all the weight has come back on but last time I weighed myself I was 211 and I am 5'7". To be honest, I cannot recall its been that long. I was ping ponging at the time between 205 - 211. What do I weigh now??? I truthfully do not know. But I plan to weigh myself in next day or so. I want a starting point.
WOW!! I cannot believe I just put out there how much I weigh! I
really do not tell anyone how much I weigh. Its another way for people to judge. If people ask I simply do not say. If a number is that important to you then I ask --
am I that important to you???
I thought I had worked hard and I did to leave that part of me behind, but recently, what I call the "toxic Debbie" has been coming back to the surface. Well, comments/feelings/observations lately have helped to propel her - give her strength back that I had taken from her. I allowed that to happen. I allowed it to make me feel this way again about myself, even if inadvertently. I gave her back the strength she needed to regain control and remind me
just how good it felt to eat - eat candy, chips, ice cream, you name it and in excess.
I have been thinking ALOT lately of how to STOP this vicious cycle. So I decided I needed to talk about it. I had learned when I spoke to my therapist that talking about it took away some of its power and control over me. It weakened the "toxic Debbie" while strengthening the person I want to be and who is there inside of me.
The authentic ME!
I have a goal/place I want to be in 9 weeks. Yes, my birthday will be coming up soon ;) Something about my darn birthday that pushes me - that is a positive thing right?! :) Not sure if I will place a # to it, I know I should. But at this point I would like to drop one dress size. Go from a 16 to a 14. (my eyes are rolling again, I keep putting #s out that I never share! :) - nodding, it is alright Debbie & a step in the right direction).
So….if you want to join me, follow along, read my blog during this process. Then great! I am doing this for myself and to maybe help someone else along the way. Even if I never hear from that person, I hope reading this will help others realize they are not alone. :)
**If someone who reads this and is offended by the title of my blog, I am not going to apologize. It is how I feel. You don't have to read my blog. You can find some other blog du jour that is better suited for you and what you need. I take no offense to not having many readers. Its never bothered me not to have "followers". I do what I do for me. If you like it great, then we can help and support one another. If you don't then I respectfully ask that you keep moving along and stay off my blog with negativity and hurtful comments. I will remove them all. I want to create positive energy and work here only. Seek a balance - a healthy balance for myself and anyone who cares to read and follow along.
Have a great day.
~SeekSoulBalance!!
