Week Recap

Its been over a week since I posted…lots has been going on.  I worked out 4 days the week prior.  It felt good but I felt like I was behind the gun so to speak.  I weighed myself and had gained almost a full 4lbs.  :(   I started to read about Garicnia Cambogia extract and the weight loss benefits.  Then I came across the Green Coffee Bean again.  I had bought a bottle some time ago but never committed to using it.  So I decided to give the Green Coffee bean a try along with eating smart and exercise.

I started taking it on Monday, Feb 17th.  For me the evenings are the biggest challenge.  While at work I am able to have more self control but once home….. you know how that is :)   So I have been taking it 30min or little more prior to dinner.  It has helped to curb my appetite.  Once I have dinner I really do not feel the inclination to "snack".

Now, for a test.  This weekend is the first weekend while taking it.  Weekends, I tend not to be as strict with myself and I can tell that has hindered my progress.  All I am doing it trying to recoup any progress I made and lost over the weekend come the next Monday.  I had 3 good solid workout classes this past week and plan to go the gym today.  I plan to weigh myself on Monday so that I can get a full week in and see how it went. {{nervous just thinking about it!!}}

I had promised pics sometime back.  Here they are.  They are from January, when I first began this blog.
Til Monday….Happy Weekend!
~SeekSoulBalance!!

Back in Class!

I worked out on Monday -- 3mi on elliptical, bicep curls, shoulder press, v-ups & one other exercise with weights but I cannot think right now.
Worked out today, Tuesday, in a class with a trainer I had been going to up til about December of last year.  It sure was nice to be in his class again.  I enjoy them.  We did dead lifts, single leg lunges, v-ups, side planks, knee lifts, and a bunch of other stuff I cannot recall.  It was a GOOD workout! I am going back tomorrow.  He teaches on Tues - Thurs evening.  My goal is to go to his classes those evenings and fit in my own workouts in between on the other days.

I found a NEW FAV yummy today!!! If you like chips like I do and want to eat them with out too much guilt, you will enjoy these.  Kashi Black Bean chips, Chili Lime flavor is what I tried.  But they have SOOO many different ones that I almost could not choose.  They are not too spicy at all.  I was worried they may be.  27 crisps are only 130 calories!! Who doesn't like that!!!  Check out the link below for the chili lime plus you can see all the other flavors.
https://www.kashi.com/our-foods/crisps/kashi-black-bean-crisps-chili-lime

Thanks for reading!
~SeekSoulBalance!!

Time to Get Back on the Saddle….

Last week was not a great week on many levels.  But pertaining to food and exercise and with my Grandmother's passing - let's just say food and exercise were not something I paid tons of attention to.
Today I stepped on the scale…..drum roll….. it said 207.6lbs.  So its not horrible all things considered, but it does mean that I have some ground to make up.

I packed up my workout bag and all day long I was thinking about how I did not want to go and workout after work.  Its been cold, dark, windy, and gloomy all day and all I could think about was coming home and just vegging.  I drug myself to the gym staring from work and it was not the hardest workout but at least I went right?!?!?

I plan to go to a workout class Tuesday through Thursday and then work in a day or two somewhere on my own.  Plus, I need to get back to eating right.

Now, to get a shower, eat dinner and enjoy my evening with my sweetie!
~SeekSoulBalance!!

Emotional Ride

As I am sitting her waiting for my sister to arrive so we can work on arrangement details for my Grandmother's service,  I am feeling a wave of emotions come over me from time to time.  I am not sure from one moment to the next if I am angry, upset, hurt or if I just need a good cry.  My emotions and thoughts run the gambit from my feelings about her passing, her, death in general, how fragile and fleeting life is, how others impact you and your feelings, why do I feel deeply about some things and other do not, but in other situations they feel deeply and I feel nothing.  My mind is racing at a very intense speed this morning.

I have done things to occupy it.  Got dressed.  Put away dishes.  Stripped the bed and put new sheets on.  Put a load of laundry in.  Folded and put away a few things from a load yesterday.  Kitchen all cleaned up.  It is very quiet in the house.  Only the dryer running right now, sigh from my dogs every once in awhile and the keys of my computer as I type - that is it.  While I see the flicker of the candle I lit for my Grandmother.  It is cold and gloomy outside.  This is feeling like it will be a weird emotional ride sort of day.

I am thinking I NEED A GOOD CRY!

~SeekSoulBalance!

A Little Update….

Yesterday was a sad day.  I was awoken a little after 5am with a phone call from my Mother.  The nursing home called and my Grandma is not doing well.  We all should get there.  She called me once she got to the nursing home, she is going into hospice and they think she will pass on Saturday or Sunday.  I waited a little while before going to pick up my sister.  On the way there, my Mother called that my Grandma had passed away.

I really had wanted to be there.  But I took it as a sign that for her, she only needed her daughters there with her so she could move on.  The caseworkers at the nursing home told my Mother, "she is up in heaven giving them hell".  That pretty much summed my Grandmother up.  Fiesty, opinionated, could be cruel at times if I am honest, not an emotional touchy feel person, but she loved to cook, to tell dirty jokes, her frosty beer mug, and her family.

It was hard to see her in the last state her body was in when she passed.  But it is a part of death I have not witnessed before so I am sure that is also why it took me a moment to gather myself.   After we took care of what we needed at the nursing home. I came home and decided I needed a good sweat and went to the gym.  I worked out on Thursday and we did A LOT of arm work & I was VERY sore.  The workout helped some but gosh was I still sore afterward.  It felt good to workout.

Today, we go to the funeral home and then some family time afterward.  Then I have to come home and get ready for a Super Bowl get together at my house.  Right about now I am really just not feeling like cleaning up and all the clean up after.  I did some straightening up and laundry that I wanted to get done this morning.  My BF said he'd come over and help out with the cleaning.  That would be nice.  Now it is time to get ready to see my family.

So….all this to end with I may not be updating too much here this coming week.  But I may pop in when I can.  I will still work on eating healthy and trying to get in some exercise when I can.
~SeekSoulBalance!

Look What I Bought!!!

Guess what I finally bought last night?!?!?
A scale!!

Ugh! I know right!? But I actually was okay buying it and figured this morning I would step on it.  I weigh 205.0lbs on the dot.  Now even more so I wish I had weighed myself to see where I was at.  I can tell I have lost some weight - I just simply have no way of knowing how much.  I would venture to guess 3-5lbs.  But again, its hard to say.

I am thankful that now I know where I am starting from so I can better monitor it.  It will also help me determine a goal.  Right now, I am going for a final goal of 185lbs.   But in my 9 weeks I can very close.  If I can try to lose 2lbs a week for 9 weeks = 18 lbs - 205 = 187lbs.  YIKES!!  I say that because it kind of scares me.  I am going to think positively and take it one day at a time.  Trying not to be too hard on myself along the way.
Thanks for reading.
~SeekSoulBalance!

Hump Day 1 of 9!!

Today is day 4 of my journey to try and change my lifestyle to a healthier one.  I have exercised on Sunday and Tuesday.  Been logging what I eat in my journal since Monday.  Feeling pretty good today.   Buying a scale is still on my list of things to do before Friday is my goal.  With work, etc… it just hasn't panned out.
Sometimes my work can become stressful and often I would turn to something sweet.  As a closet/secret eater normally I tend to do all my bad eating at home.   But sometimes I just need to grab something at work during a stressful day.  Today I had a moment when I felt that.  I resisted but a lady at work gave me a piece of dark chocolate bark thins with pumpkin seeds.  It was not the best piece of chocolate but it did satisfy me and then I realized something.  It really didn't taste all that great and I didn't have that feeling of wanting more.  Hopefully I can work toward having more of those moments and not reach for chocolate when they do happen.
Today is almost over and was a good day.  Tomorrow is a new day & looking forward to it.
~SeekSoulBalance!

Happy Monday!! Week 1 of 9

I hope that everyone had a good Monday!!
Today was actually a good day!! :)  Those are words I haven't felt sincere in saying in awhile.  But today I can honestly say it was.

I worked to think about what I ate today knowing that I would have a dinner fundraiser to attend in the evening for the local Animal Defense League.

Breakfast: coffee with creamer; Quaker Oats Real Medley granola bar (160cal)
Mid-morning snack: Oat Revolution Oatmeal (160cal)
Later morning snack: 2-3T Sabra Roasted Pine Nut Hummus w/4 mini peppers
Late Lunch: Salad I made - Spinach, Arugula, cherry tomatoes, mushrooms, shredded cheese, nut medley, Bumble Bee Single Serving Light Tuna in Water (70cal), light raspberry vinaigrette, unsweet tea
Dinner:  Chicken Picatta; water; 2 glasses of Pinot Noir; 1 slice Margherita pizza
                **Yes, I realize I could have passed on the slice of pizza but the Chicken Picatta was not a
                 huge portion and I did not overeat during dinner by having the slice of pizza.  
Water:  I have a 32oz mug that I filled 3x with water and 2x w/unsweet tea

After looking at my food journal, I realize perhaps I could have had yogurt and fruit for breakfast to help reduce my carb intake for the day.  I was not able to get any time at the gym in today but I need to upload my pedometer to see how many steps for the day.  Probably not as many as I would like.

I need to see about getting to a scale here soon.  I may have to go and buy one - probably a good idea. I took a couple pics of my yesterday before the gym so I can try to document my journey - YIKES! This is another scary thing to post but at this point I've put so much out there about myself, this isn't phasing me right now.  Let's see how I feel when I actually put the pics up! :0  I will do that in the new few days or so.
Thank you for reading my blog.
~SeekSoulBalance!

I Still Feel Like "I'm Still the Fat Kid in Class"

Who is this woman, yes, woman - adult -, who feels like this?  Do any of you feel like this sometimes?

Well, I am a 46 years young, single, no kids, artist, very independent, strong, loyal, sensitive woman  who has struggled with her weight every since I can remember.  My name is Debbie.

I can remember being in kindergarten and that is the first I realized "something was wrong" with me.  Kids in school, my Mother, my family….childhood filled with witnessing verbal and physical abuse exerted on my mother by my father.  Them separating, living in a shelter for 6 weeks or so, then divorcing, moving in with family, feeling we were "in the way", always feeling like my alcoholic father was a jerk who didn't love his kids - lots of empty/broken promises, broken relationship with him (all this that shaped how I view/viewed men), trust issues, not being able to open up, angry….this story goes on and on but I bet you can fill in a lot of the holes.  You get the picture right!!??

My confession:  I use food to comfort me.  To make me feel better.  To hide me from the world.  

As much as I have wanted to be loved for who I am, I would use food to sabotage it.  It was my secret, yeah, right, like everyone could not see how overweight I was and am.  Food was the only thing I could always count on.  It never let me down and was always one step away in the panty, refrigerator, or down the road at the store.  It was always around me letting me know -- you know this will make you feel better.

The truth….All food ever did for me was make me gain weight and suppress, WAY WAY down, the feelings that were too hard for me to deal with.  I still have or wonder if there are memories I have suppressed and are so hidden that I just can't simply deal with because they are simply too hard for me to.

So, lets fast forward many years.  When I was 39 years old I decided I did not want to weigh in the "200's" when I turned 40.  My goal was to be in what I called "Onederland"  I wanted to be in the 100's by my 40th birthday, which was in March.   It was November so I had about 4 months to work to get there.  A lady I knew had recently joined LA Weight Loss and seen great results.  I decided to join.  I walked into the manager's office for a consult of sorts and when the door closed, I burst into tears.  She asked why am I crying.  I FEEL SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF!!     Closing that door meant I HAD to deal with issues.  I decided to start seeing a therapist while I was trying to work on this.  This was the first time I had EVER made this type of investment in myself - money & time - to become healthy.   YES, :)  I did get to "Onerderand" by my 40th birthday.  I was just a few pounds under 200 but that was okay with me - I had met my goal.  I lost 37 lbs total.

That was almost 7 years ago now.  And not all the weight has come back on but last time I weighed myself I was 211 and I am 5'7".  To be honest, I cannot recall its been that long.  I was ping ponging at the time between 205 - 211.   What do I weigh now???  I truthfully do not know.  But I plan to weigh myself in next day or so.  I want a starting point.

WOW!! I cannot believe I just put out there how much I weigh!  I really do not tell anyone how much I weigh.  Its another way for people to judge.  If people ask I simply do not say.  If a number is that important to you then I ask --  am I that important to you???

I thought I had worked hard and I did to leave that part of me behind, but recently, what I call the "toxic Debbie" has been coming back to the surface.  Well, comments/feelings/observations lately have helped to propel her - give her strength back that I had taken from her.  I allowed that to happen.  I allowed it to make me feel this way again about myself, even if inadvertently.  I gave her back the strength she needed to regain control and remind me just how good it felt to eat - eat candy, chips, ice cream, you name it and in excess.

I have been thinking ALOT lately of how to STOP this vicious cycle.  So I decided I needed to talk about it.  I had learned when I spoke to my therapist that talking about it took away some of its power and control over me.  It weakened the "toxic Debbie" while strengthening the person I want to be and who is there inside of me.  The authentic ME!

I have a goal/place I want to be in 9 weeks.  Yes, my birthday will be coming up soon ;)  Something about my darn birthday that pushes me - that is a positive thing right?! :)  Not sure if I will place a # to it, I know I should.  But at this point I would like to drop one dress size.  Go from a 16 to a 14. (my eyes are rolling again,  I keep putting #s out that I never share! :) - nodding, it is alright Debbie & a step in the right direction).

So….if you want to join me, follow along, read my blog during this process.  Then great! I am doing this for myself and to maybe help someone else along the way.  Even if I never hear from that person, I hope reading this will help others realize they are not alone. :)

**If someone who reads this and is offended by the title of my blog, I am not going to apologize.  It is how I feel.  You don't have to read my blog.  You can find some other blog du jour that is better suited for you and what you need.  I take no offense to not having many readers. Its never bothered me not to have "followers".  I do what I do for me. If you like it great, then we can help and support one another. If you don't then I respectfully ask that you keep moving along and stay off my blog with negativity and hurtful comments.  I will remove them all.  I want to create positive energy and work here only.  Seek a balance - a healthy balance for myself and anyone who cares to read and follow along.

Have a great day.
~SeekSoulBalance!!